Sunday, December 4, 2011

Don' t-Schrei-Herr Lobster

(I am learning to speak German. Here is my first poem composed entirely in German.)
                                                                            Don' t-Schrei-Herr Lobster
                                                                          Ich weiß, dass der Topf heiß ist
                                                                aber Sie waren geboren, mein Abendessen zu sein                                       
                                                       Sie große rote geschmackvolle Liebeswanze des Meeres

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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Medical Journal: Enhance Your Love Life With A Lobotomy!

I know what you're thinking. "Why a lobotomy? Don't I need my frontal lobe?"

...And that's a very good question. Yes, you do need your brain fully intact, but only up until a certain time in life. Once the age of 40 is reached the brain begins to migrate backwards, slowly, to it's original state. That's why by the time we die, we're not that smart.

A new study by a team of very accurate doctors suggests, if we take matters into our own hands, (no pun intended), we can circumvent that undesirable mental decline completely. What this team recommends is going in for a Full Frontal Lobotomy at the age of 40. It's painless and becoming more and more affordable, as doctors make this procedure an attractive surgery at even more attractive prices. Studies even point out that a person's romantic life is greatly improved post-lobomy due to the lessening of the abillity to care about what his or her significant other is doing. In fact, 67% of lobotomized men aged 45 to 50 report absolutely no problem whatsoever with their spouses' cheating. Additionally, 59% of women who have undergone the procedure say they are not only "unbothered" by their husband's cross-dressing, but are now "flattered" and "amused" when catching their man rummaging through the lingere drawer.

In conclusion, going in for a lobotomy is a growing trend and could very well be the answer to today's troubled and stressful world. Ask your family practitioner today about whether this procedure is right for you.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Craft Projects For The Kids: Armpit Hair Trolls

Here's an endearing and unique craft for kids of all ages! Easy to make and fun to decorate with. A perfect gift idea, too.

What You'll Need:
1 package of plastic babies from the Dollar Store
a man with lots of hair in his armpits
colorful paint

Take the package of plastic babies and dump them out all over the table. Ask the man to lift his arms up and snip off all the armpit hair, place on table. Have the kids use their math skills and divide the hair up into equal little piles and secure tightly with ribbon.

Coat each plastic baby's head with glue and stick the armpit hair on it. Dab paint on the doll to liven things up. Use kleenex to fashion crude clothing for each doll.

And now look what you have. Precious little Trolls to call your own! Don't forget to give one to the man who provided the hair, and encourage the kids to pass them out to their teachers for the holidays.

Happy Holidays!

How To Make An Effective (And Humane) Mouse Trap

You will need the following items:

-5 empty cardboard toilet paper rolls
-1 nail
-a whole roll of Duct Tape
-approx. 10" barbed wire
-sterile gauze pads and bandaids
-spring-loaded syringe
-fake "book" that's really a safe
-4" x 6" piece of plywood
-7 Q-Tips
-1 eraser head

Put it all together.
When the mouse appears, take the

Modern Art

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Home For The Holidays: Watch Your Christmas Tree Come Alive... with LIVING STARFISH!

Are you tired of the same old boring Christmas tree decorations? Bored with the balls? Blah with the bells? Done with the dolls, tired of the tinsel, exhausted with the elves, gagged with the garland?

Put those old decorations back under the bed. Let's try something new!

Starfish are symbols of hope and purity. I've been decorating my tree with starfish for years. And what makes my tree so special is, the starfish are still ALIVE! It's a beautiful sight to behold, and even hear. Late at night, the tiny sounds of twitching and bristling can be heard among the branches as the spiney cuties wriggle about in a futile attempt to break free.

First, you must obtain the creatures. I can catch them live, but you may need to visit your local pet store. Buy at least 2 dozen. Once home, run a fishing wire through the top of each one. Careful not to puncture the brain. Hang on branch.

You can do it your own way, of course, the variations are endless. Starfish are gorgeous when lightly glazed with rubber cement, then smattered with a handful of glitter. Acrylic paint works well too, just dab on lightly with a sponge to bring out the beautiful irregularities on the animal's arms. Better yet, douse in glow-in-the-dark paint and watch them light up the tree with their mesmerizing nocturnal "dance" for survival.

Starfish will live approx. 1 week on the tree, more or less. A light misting with salt water in a spray bottle will keep them alive a little longer. Add a shot of espresso to the mix and wow! Watch your salty friends sparkle with vigor.

I love all creatures, great and small. And I love Christmas.

Happy Holidays!

Favorite Holiday Recipies: Snowman Blunders

Now here's a special something that's been handed down to me from my grandmother, who got it from her grandmother, who got it from hers, on and on and on, all the way back. We call them Snowman Blunders. If you've never tried them, boy, are you missing out. Get on your apron and heat up the oven! Let's get cookin'!

5 lbs. Dry Ice
1 Kilo Highway Salt
9 tsp. Vanilla Extract
1 handful Raisins

Preheat oven to 130. Mix up everything, divide dough in half. Form balls, place on cookie sheet. Hollow out each ball. Place 1 raisin inside each one, cover with the rest of the dough. Bake for 30 min, allow to cool before serving.

This family favorite has been a hit with young and old alike.
Happy Holidays!

Craft Projects For The Kids: Make A

Well, the holidays are here! Time to get all festive with the family.

You might be wondering, "what can I create with the children while they are on Christmas vacation this year?" You might be weary of the usual gingerbread cookies, stringed popcorn for the tree, and that stupid pinecone Bird Feeder.

You've come to the right place for all your Holiday Craft ideas! Today I will tell you how to make a

What you will need:
1 empty square box
1 wire
1 green rubber ball
Something brown that's oval-shaped

glue everything together as shown in diagram above. Have your kids paint it green. Place it in the window, or on the tree top.

That's it! All done!

Happy Holidays

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Embrace Your Reality

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Aren't Ya'll Tired Of Facebook Yet?

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I Would Be A Better Scab But

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Today Is Take Your Dog For A Spin Around The Block Day

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I Would Be A Better Donut But

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Sunday, November 27, 2011

I Would Be A Better Pimple But

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I Would Be A Better Architect But

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I Would Be A Better Novelist But

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Cat On Your Head

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I Would Be A Better Parasite But

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Box Filled With Spiders

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Haven't Heard From U In Forever

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Hi Nice To Meet You

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Let Your Hair Down



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I Would Be A Better Butterfly But

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Friday, November 25, 2011

I Would Be A Better Unicorn But

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

I Would Be A Better Trucker But

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I Would Be A Better Ballerina But

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I Would Be A Better Serial Killer But

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I Would Be A Better Plumber But

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I Would Be A Better Clown But

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Would Be A Better Cowboy But

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Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Would Go To The Dentist But

I Would Go To The Dentist But

I Would Take You To Dinner But

I Would Take You To Dinner But

I Would Excercise More But

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Brainstorming With The Banana

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I Would Make You A Sandwich But

I Would Make You A Sandwich But

I Would Go To Bed Now But

I Would Go To Bed Now But

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I Would Get Into Current Events But

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I Would Learn To Speak German But

Learn To Speak German But

I Would Introduce You To My Friends But

I Would Introduce You To My Friends But

Tuck You

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Friday, November 18, 2011

I Would Marry You But

I Would Marry You But

I Would Say Let's Go To A Party But

I Would Say Lets Go To A Party But

I Would Ask You To Come Over For Coffee But

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I Would Invite You To My House But

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How Boring (A Poem)

How Boring!

How boring would it be
If all you knew of me
Were thoughts so mild and few
In order to please you.
How boring would it be
If all that you could see
My mind a common clone
A reflection of your own.
How boring would it be
If all that you could hear
Were words you won't reject,
Proper, clean, correct!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Single Moms: Makin The World A Better Place

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*This comes from my everlovin' heart to every single parent out there who's doing it on their own with little or no support. A monthly child support check is a blessing of course but I'm talking about some REAL SUPPORT. Love and encouragement from family, perhaps. An occasional acknowledgement of what strength it must take to handle the daily task of it all. Respect.

If this harsh world can't muster up the sensitivity I think is proper to give to single parents, and I don't think it ever will, allow me to take it upon myself, someone who's been there and done that, to say, if you are a single parent, THANK YOU for everything you're doing, I know it's hard, I know...

More power to you. More blessings on you. More strength to you. More love, more joy, more peace to you. May your home be filled with everything it needs, both tangible goods and intangible. May your children make good grades and have minimal cavities at their next checkup. May they sleep in peace with no nightmares. May you figure out how to be friends with the Baby Daddy or Momma. May you have all the food you need for each day. May your car not stall or break down, and may you have the money to fix it when it does.

Hang in there.

You are in a very special time of your life that will come to an end all too soon.



Falconry: Why Don't We Get Into That Anymore

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Pecan Tree: A Poem

There is a tree outside my window,
With branches strong and wide.
The tree is not inside my house,
Because trees ... grow outside.

I look upon the branch's tips
I look among the leaves.
What I see doth trouble me,
It makes my heart weep... it grieves.

Green casings are popping open,
New pecans are bursting forth.
Knowing not their dismal fate
Or their scanty worth.

One will fall onto the ground
Where it will decay, so smelly.
One will find it's way into
A greedy rodent's belly...

Yet another pecan will drop and be
Picked up by a passerby,
Only to be painfully shelled
And cast into a pie!

O, Tree of Pecans,
Why do you bear your fruit?
How do you cope
And maintain your hope
When your offspring are crunched 'neath a boot?

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