Sunday, December 4, 2011

Don' t-Schrei-Herr Lobster

(I am learning to speak German. Here is my first poem composed entirely in German.)
                                                                            Don' t-Schrei-Herr Lobster
                                                                          Ich weiß, dass der Topf heiß ist
                                                                aber Sie waren geboren, mein Abendessen zu sein                                       
                                                       Sie große rote geschmackvolle Liebeswanze des Meeres

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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Medical Journal: Enhance Your Love Life With A Lobotomy!

I know what you're thinking. "Why a lobotomy? Don't I need my frontal lobe?"

...And that's a very good question. Yes, you do need your brain fully intact, but only up until a certain time in life. Once the age of 40 is reached the brain begins to migrate backwards, slowly, to it's original state. That's why by the time we die, we're not that smart.

A new study by a team of very accurate doctors suggests, if we take matters into our own hands, (no pun intended), we can circumvent that undesirable mental decline completely. What this team recommends is going in for a Full Frontal Lobotomy at the age of 40. It's painless and becoming more and more affordable, as doctors make this procedure an attractive surgery at even more attractive prices. Studies even point out that a person's romantic life is greatly improved post-lobomy due to the lessening of the abillity to care about what his or her significant other is doing. In fact, 67% of lobotomized men aged 45 to 50 report absolutely no problem whatsoever with their spouses' cheating. Additionally, 59% of women who have undergone the procedure say they are not only "unbothered" by their husband's cross-dressing, but are now "flattered" and "amused" when catching their man rummaging through the lingere drawer.

In conclusion, going in for a lobotomy is a growing trend and could very well be the answer to today's troubled and stressful world. Ask your family practitioner today about whether this procedure is right for you.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Craft Projects For The Kids: Armpit Hair Trolls

Here's an endearing and unique craft for kids of all ages! Easy to make and fun to decorate with. A perfect gift idea, too.

What You'll Need:
1 package of plastic babies from the Dollar Store
a man with lots of hair in his armpits
colorful paint

Take the package of plastic babies and dump them out all over the table. Ask the man to lift his arms up and snip off all the armpit hair, place on table. Have the kids use their math skills and divide the hair up into equal little piles and secure tightly with ribbon.

Coat each plastic baby's head with glue and stick the armpit hair on it. Dab paint on the doll to liven things up. Use kleenex to fashion crude clothing for each doll.

And now look what you have. Precious little Trolls to call your own! Don't forget to give one to the man who provided the hair, and encourage the kids to pass them out to their teachers for the holidays.

Happy Holidays!

How To Make An Effective (And Humane) Mouse Trap

You will need the following items:

-5 empty cardboard toilet paper rolls
-1 nail
-a whole roll of Duct Tape
-approx. 10" barbed wire
-sterile gauze pads and bandaids
-spring-loaded syringe
-fake "book" that's really a safe
-4" x 6" piece of plywood
-7 Q-Tips
-1 eraser head

Put it all together.
When the mouse appears, take the

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Home For The Holidays: Watch Your Christmas Tree Come Alive... with LIVING STARFISH!

Are you tired of the same old boring Christmas tree decorations? Bored with the balls? Blah with the bells? Done with the dolls, tired of the tinsel, exhausted with the elves, gagged with the garland?

Put those old decorations back under the bed. Let's try something new!

Starfish are symbols of hope and purity. I've been decorating my tree with starfish for years. And what makes my tree so special is, the starfish are still ALIVE! It's a beautiful sight to behold, and even hear. Late at night, the tiny sounds of twitching and bristling can be heard among the branches as the spiney cuties wriggle about in a futile attempt to break free.

First, you must obtain the creatures. I can catch them live, but you may need to visit your local pet store. Buy at least 2 dozen. Once home, run a fishing wire through the top of each one. Careful not to puncture the brain. Hang on branch.

You can do it your own way, of course, the variations are endless. Starfish are gorgeous when lightly glazed with rubber cement, then smattered with a handful of glitter. Acrylic paint works well too, just dab on lightly with a sponge to bring out the beautiful irregularities on the animal's arms. Better yet, douse in glow-in-the-dark paint and watch them light up the tree with their mesmerizing nocturnal "dance" for survival.

Starfish will live approx. 1 week on the tree, more or less. A light misting with salt water in a spray bottle will keep them alive a little longer. Add a shot of espresso to the mix and wow! Watch your salty friends sparkle with vigor.

I love all creatures, great and small. And I love Christmas.

Happy Holidays!

Favorite Holiday Recipies: Snowman Blunders

Now here's a special something that's been handed down to me from my grandmother, who got it from her grandmother, who got it from hers, on and on and on, all the way back. We call them Snowman Blunders. If you've never tried them, boy, are you missing out. Get on your apron and heat up the oven! Let's get cookin'!

5 lbs. Dry Ice
1 Kilo Highway Salt
9 tsp. Vanilla Extract
1 handful Raisins

Preheat oven to 130. Mix up everything, divide dough in half. Form balls, place on cookie sheet. Hollow out each ball. Place 1 raisin inside each one, cover with the rest of the dough. Bake for 30 min, allow to cool before serving.

This family favorite has been a hit with young and old alike.
Happy Holidays!

Craft Projects For The Kids: Make A

Well, the holidays are here! Time to get all festive with the family.

You might be wondering, "what can I create with the children while they are on Christmas vacation this year?" You might be weary of the usual gingerbread cookies, stringed popcorn for the tree, and that stupid pinecone Bird Feeder.

You've come to the right place for all your Holiday Craft ideas! Today I will tell you how to make a

What you will need:
1 empty square box
1 wire
1 green rubber ball
Something brown that's oval-shaped

glue everything together as shown in diagram above. Have your kids paint it green. Place it in the window, or on the tree top.

That's it! All done!

Happy Holidays
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